Ok, so I haven’t been feeling well today. To tell the truth, I’ve been feeling like real crap. I woke up at 2 o’clock in the morning with a panic attack and things have been lousy ever since. I constantly feel like I can’t breathe. My heart is playing the Olympics in all of the jumping disciplines. Nothing is OK. I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m just stating the facts. And, being the positive person that I am, I’m trying to feel better by surrounding myself with positive people and things, but I’m afraid that today, it’s not helping.
Why am I feeling terrible? Well, obviously, because things are so awesome in my life. I just started my first week of college and it’s been like living in a fantasy world. From my small apartment and my desk I’ve moved to a building with hundreds of people and hundreds of things going on in it. I met tons of new awesome people, I think that I also met a really good future friend and I did what I wanted but feared the most: I applied to my local college radio station headquarters as a volunteer and was told that I could join the culture section and finally live my dream which is to write about music as a journalist. I made a good impression on my teachers and I think that my colleagues also think that I’m ok (well, at least until they’ve gone through this text – after that they’ll just think that I’m a loony bin). I’ve been positive and upbeat and all over the place for the whole week. Instead being in a lousy vegetative state, I finally stood up and started living.
That freaked the hell out of me.
As I mentioned earlier, I’m not great with change. If I could do whatever I wanted, I would stay in my apartment for months, eating in and ordering my groceries home and doing nothing except staying in bed and playing games or watching movies. But there is this thing called life and it’s calling me out to play. Even though it freaks me out sometimes, life is really amazing and interesting. However, it’s full of new and strange things and when I’m with unfamiliar stuff and people, I don’t feel safe. And when I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel good. Simple, right? But that’s what’s going on on the inside, deep, deep down below all those layers of protection that I’ve put up. On the outside, I’m happy and positive and confident in myself and putting up a strong front and I am believing in this delusion so strongly that I don’t even notice that the little me on the inside is actually curled up in a ball and crying to go home to safety. And by ignoring myself and running away from my true feelings, bad things happen. I have random panic attacks in the middle of the night. I suddenly feel out of breath and dizzy. I have days like this, where everything is bad and nothing will ever be OK.
I’m not saying that staying at home and doing nothing to improve yourself is a good thing – it’s the worst thing you can do to yourself because it’s blocking you from growing and evolving as a person. And I’m not saying that I’m acting up and that I’m really sad when I’m actually smiling – I’m genuinely happy with how this week’s been going and that I’ve started school and that I’ve made a good impression on my professors and classmates. I’m really looking forward to growing that friendship, if it happens. What I wanted to say is that I’m scared of new things, that it’s stressing me and that, instead of embracing my fears and working on overcoming them, I am choosing to ignore them and run away from them and that is not – I repeat – is NOT a good thing. Because of me not being true to myself, my body is being angry with me and is reacting by exploding into a ball of rushed panic and I swear to you that that’s not a fun thing.
So, once again: It’s ok to be scared and insecure and it’s perfectly fine to have problems dealing with new stuff. If you’re going through a huge transition in life and have problems adjusting to it, it’s fine. What’s important is that you have to – for your own well being – keep moving forward despite it all. However, that doesn’t meant that you should run from your problems and ignore what’s going on on the inside. Treat your fear like a scared child – give it a hug, some candy and, with the calmest and most confident voice that you can muster, say that everything will be ok, that it won’t hurt a bit and by the time it’s over, that you’ll be happy together that you went through with it.